For those of you who know me, you know I am a Posh girl, and my chronic illness has put a pause on my side business as well as my full time career. I am a wife and Mom, and like many others with severe idiopathic gastroparesis, gastroesophageal reflux disease, and a hiatal hernia, my life has drastically changed.
My intention here, for those that choose to read, is to help my loved ones understand what I'm going through a bit better, help myself document my progress along the way, and help other gastroparesis or chronic invisible illness patients get through the day.
On that note, here are a few thoughts that were going through my mind when I was up sick at 3am- in no particular order. Forgive the format, it was 3am...
GP is...
Hanging out in the bathroom at 3am
Wishing I could just sleep it off
or just sleep
Knowing the bathroom is exactly 6 seconds from my bed
Trying to sleep it off and will away the nausea because I can't wake up our family
Cancelling important plans, like a bridal shower rsvp, because I cannot be trusted for a long car ride
Constantly worrying about common smells making me nauseaus
Giving up food I love- popcorn, tequila (all alcohol), bacon, pineapple, grapes
Going without a paycheck for over a month while the insurance company waits to approve your disability leave because no one seems to understand GP
Feeling guilty for being sick (I know, seriously?)
Trying to explain to my friends an invisible illness when I don't look sick
Trying to make people understand a disability leave is not a vacation, and medical bills are not cool
Making sacrifices just to keep it all together
Doctors can't give me good answers
Hours of internet research, searching for some relief
Not having the energy or feeling well enough to chase around my amazing toddler
Worried about my relationship with my husband suffering
Looking 5 months preggo after just a few bites of food
Gaining weight while eating like a bird
Typing things like this at 4 am because my mind just won't go to sleep and my stomach is angry
Working out at 4am because I may as well (even though I'm sick) because it helps my stomach sometimes
My usual intense workout makes me pukey
My to do list is growing, and I'm not nearly productive enough
My toddler says things like "Mommy the sun makes your tummy hurt? I have a tummy ache too. Mommy you play with me? You come outside with us?" He breaks my heart, but he's such a sweet boy!
Giving up my absolute passions- Snowmobiling, dirtbiking. I will probably cry the day I sell my sled, no joke
Panicking about giving my MOH speech at my sister's wedding- mainly because I will be sober, and a sip of champagne I will pay for for days or weeks
Worrying about being a good friend because I can't commit to too much, including visiting her new twins (you know who you are, luv ya my friend)
Worrying about money
Worrying about my family
Worrying about what my illness is teaching my child about the world
Worrying about complaining too much
Worrying that if I lie and say I feel fine people will question my situation
And really, WTF do I care so much about what other people think?
Worried about my financial future
Worried about the emotional impact of GP
Worried about whether or not I should / could have another child
Worried about a feeding tube
Worried about a gastro electronic stimulator
Worried I'll try it all and nothing will help
Worried about vacationing in a foreign country- finding the right food to eat, possibility of a flare up
Worried I will vomit in the middle of my Yoga class (not so zen)
Worried I'll be sick at story time at the library, while grocery shopping, pretty much anywhere
Worried my blood sugar will be so low I'll pass out doing anything important
Worried the pain is so bad I have to curl up in the fetal position, what if that happens when there's no one else to take care of my son?
Worried way to much about everything
Wouldn't it be easier not to care?
Most of all I'm worried I won't be ME anymore...
Let's be real- I can't stress over everything above constantly, but I pretty much do. Stress makes my tummy worse, but my tummy stresses me out, go figure. I try to stay positive and find something good in every day.
Some good things about GP-
I get to spend more time with my family
I get more time to research gastroparesis and help with my symptoms
I get to take a little time to take care of myself
I get to express my creativity- I never thought I'd be blogging, and I never thought I could take the time to pick up sewing, more reading, or come up with cool kid crafts to do with my son.
Maybe someday I can look back on all of this as a distant memory of what was a rough patch. Maybe someday I'll write a book to help others with gastroparesis. Maybe I'll be the only person who ever reads this and it makes a great journal. Either way, I'm lucky to be here.
